My wife is a hospice nurse who has the privilege of helping people near the end of life’s journey.

People near death don’t fixate on wealth, fame, sex, possessions, or popularity. They focus on relationships, love for family, and friends.

It’s easy to take the important people in our lives for granted. Ambitions and dreams animate our lives, sometimes at the expense of the people we love.

We spend years focused on ourselves and the things we want. But then one day a diagnosis, accident, or old age alights on our shoulders. So we turn to the ones we love for help.

Will the ones we love be there for us in our time of need?

Perhaps the answer comes in another question:

Have we been there for them?

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Bronnie Ware is the author of the best-selling memoir “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.”

As a former nurse who spent years working in palliative care helping patients in the last weeks of their lives, Ware learned a great deal about what matters most in life.

She wrote a blog post about the regrets of the dying which gathered tremendous attention from readers. It led Ware to publish her best-selling book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”

Here are the top five regrets:

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Each of the above regrets carries tremendous wisdom if we slow down long enough to appreciate them.

For me, the one about staying in touch with friends resonates deeply.

Fight for them

I had a buddy who took his life years ago. He went through a difficult divorce and became unmoored, but he did a good job of hiding his pain.

One day he showed up at my house, out of the blue.

I remember inviting him in. We sat on the couch and had a beer. He talked about this and that.

In hindsight, his visit was a little out of character, but at the time I thought it was just a random visit. A week later he took his life, and I was devastated.

“I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” — Jon Katz

I replayed the day of his visit in my mind over and over. What could I have done differently? How did I miss that his visit was either a cry for help or a final goodbye?

His loss still stings so many years later.

Life and loss have taught me that friends are precious. We must cherish them. Fight for them. Pay attention to their behavior. Hold them close.

The problem, however, is that life gets in the way.

The charming gardeners who make our souls blossom

I am blessed to have wonderful friends. But among them, only a few keep in touch regularly.

Truth be told, I need to be better about staying in touch. I tend to be hermitic, immersed in my reading and creative life.

The reality is that lives diverge. Careers, relationships, and raising kids take precedence. Sometimes we move away. Or we move on.

Other times we sort of outgrow friendships. Shared interests we might have had in college change. Or the person we knew then isn’t the same now, and vice versa.

If we’re lucky, we might be blessed with one or two lifelong friends.

The kind of friends who never seem to change. Keepers of shared history, secrets, dreams, and unshakable loyalty.

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust

These rarest of friends are the kinds of people who not only make us happy, and they bring out the best in us. We feel better about ourselves in their company. Somehow, they lift us.

Don’t you want to be that kind of friend to others?

When the rest of the world walks out

It’s never too late to become the kind of friend your friends deserve.

What follows are five suggestions for how to become a better friend. They’re more subtle than the usual advice about remembering birthdates, calling frequently, etc.

Embrace these tips, and there’s a good chance your life will improve. Because kindness and helping others channel a kind of divinity, and we need that in this broken world.

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” — Walter Winchell

Of course, there are many ways to be a good friend, but hopefully, these five suggestions will help.

Make it about them

It’s natural to want to share everything that’s going on in your life when you reconnect with a friend. Just make sure you’re not monopolizing the conversation.

Whether it’s a phone call, zoom session, or in-person get-together, be a good listener. Ask questions. Take an interest in what they have to say. Don’t interrupt or steer the conversation to yourself.

“There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.” — Simon Sinek

Your attention is a wonderful gift. Your friend will appreciate it and hopefully return the same courtesy.

Banish one-upmanship

It’s natural for friends to talk about their careers, successes, vacations, and kids’ accomplishments, but we must always remember that it’s not a competition.

The definition of success and happiness in life varies from person to person. For instance, I view free time as more valuable than financial wealth. Also, I’m more interested in my friend’s passions than their bank accounts.

Don’t boast about your income, investments, possessions, or fancy vacations with friends. Doing so makes you look small like you’re trying to one-up them.

If a friend talks about an amazing vacation, don’t try to one-up them with tales of your even better vacation. Just be happy for them.

In short, spend less time talking about yourself, and focus on your friend. Truly listen.

Banish one-upmanship, because friendship is not a competition.

Forgive

I have a childhood friend who tearfully confided in me years ago that he had broken the law.

The fact that I was a police officer at the time only made my friend feel more ashamed and embarrassed.

He explained the financial greed behind his crime, and that he faced federal prison time. He apologized and said how much our friendship meant to him. He asked for nothing but my forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” — Mark Twain

I told a work colleague about my friend’s tearful confession, and my colleague callously said, “Well, he’s a crook and I’d dump him as a friend. You don’t want to associate with a known felon.”

What would you do?

I ended up standing by my friend because I knew deep down he was a good person who temporarily lost his way. I wrote a letter to the Judge, acknowledging my friend’s mistake and suggesting constructive approaches to punishment.

My friend served six months in federal prison, where some of his talents were put to good use. He has since married, fathered two wonderful children, and found success in his profession.

We remain loyal friends.

Solace

Years ago a friend of mine was going through a divorce. His wife had moved out, taking many of the furnishings and possessions they once shared in the house.

It was my friend’s birthday, and we took him to coffee at work. My friend tried to appear upbeat, but it was clear that he was down.

“I know that there will be solace for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances.” — Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

After work, on a whim, I picked up a six-pack of my friend’s favorite beer and showed up on his doorstep.

I rang the doorbell, and when my friend opened the door, a broad smile flashed across his face. Stepping into his house, I saw the missing pieces of furniture and felt the emptiness.

To this day, my friend still talks about that impromptu birthday visit, the beer we shared, and the solace the visit brought to his wounded soul.

Be there for your friends when they need you. Bring them solace.

Notice

I have a close friend who notices the little things. He remembers what my favorite dessert is. And the fact that I love writing with fountain pens.

On more than one occasion he has gifted me lovely fountain pens.

Taking the time to notice the little things that your friends love and cherish is a wonderful way to surprise them with gifts and acts of kindness.

“This small act of thoughtfulness hit the heartstrings that quietly ask, Who’s taking care of you? Who’s thinking of you?” — Christina Tosi, Dessert Can Save the World: Stories, Secrets, and Recipes for a Stubbornly Joyful Existence

Perhaps you notice a favorite author in your friend’s library, and later on, purchase the author’s most recent book as a gift for your friend. Or you notice your friend’s favorite flower and show up one day with an entire bouquet.

When we notice the little things that friends value, it shows how much we care.

Take the time to notice.

The bonds that sustain us

Friendships shelter us from the storms of life and celebrate our successses.

They are the bonds that sustain us when marriages fail, finances falter, disaster strikes, and all is lost. And they are the bons vivants when times are special, and we long to share our good fortune.

Don’t neglect your friendships. Use the five suggestions above to nurture your friendships.

Because when you become a better friend, everyone wins, and the luster of life will shine a little brighter.

Before you go

I’m John P. Weiss. I write elegant essays about life, shoot classic black and white photos, paint, and draw cartoons. To follow along, check out The Saturday Letter here.